In Iowa, gimme that old-time religion
COMMENTARY | March 16, 2011
Herb Strentz puts the Iowa GOP platform to verse, which doesn't improve it any. And he comes up with a neat find: Hollywood anticipated the upcoming Iowa GOP caucuses 70 years ago in the movie Sergeant York, which has one of the all-time great rock-church scenes. If only Gingrich, Pawlenty, Romney et al could play the strong, silent type.
By Herb Strentz
herb.strentz@yahoo.com
DES MOINES—The power of the religious right in the Iowa Republican Party continues unabated and generally uncovered in the Iowa news media. It was reported, however, that Republican Gov. Terry Branstad cheerfully reminded candidates for the GOP presidential nomination that evangelicals dominate the Iowa GOP caucuses.
In that spirit, here are some planks from the Iowa Republican Party platform put in tune with the fundamentalist favorite, “Give me that old time religion.” And for a bonus, we offer this YouTube with Walter Brennan as preacher and Gary Cooper in a role that Newt Gingrich and a few others may want to study. (It’s good enough for me.)
First the YouTube.
Now, the GOP platform, to the same tune:
Intro:
May God Bless the party platform.
May each G-O-P plank come true.
May God bless Iowa’s platform
And all we want to do!
Verse 1: Planks 1.03, 4.27, 4.4, 6.02, 6.07, 13.09
We will terminate abortion.
We’ll end the I-R-S as well.
We’ll defy evolution
and send gays straight to hell.
Refrain:
May God Bless the party platform.
May each G-O-P plank come true.
May God bless Iowa’s platform,
and give sinners their due.
Verse 2: Planks 4.42, 8.22
We’ll despise Hussein Obama,
Ban medical marijuana
And oppose all those who wanna
stop bullies in our schools.
Refrain:
May God Bless the party platform.
May each G-O-P plank come true.
May God bless Iowa’s platform
and all like me and you.
Verse 3: Planks 7.15, 10.11
We’ll fight hard to keep and bear arms.
There’s no need for gun permits
when our pistol-packin’ school marms
blow miscreants to bits.
Refrain:
May God Bless Iowa’s platform.
May each G-O-P plank come true.
It’s not that we’ve too many guns.
The problem is too few.
Verse 4: Planks 4.3, 7.01
Praise Judeo-Christian values.
We tolerate no in-betweens.
Praise Judeo-Christian values.
(We don’t know what that means.)
Refrain:
May God Bless Iowa’s platform.
May each G-O-P plank come true.
Praise Judeo-Christian values.
We’re still without a clue.
Verse 5: Planks 3.07, 3.16, 6.08, 10.17
Get rid of minimum wage laws
no-fault divorce and health care, too.
Smoking bans have so many flaws.
My, my, so much to do!
Refrain:
May God Bless Iowa’s platform.
May the G-O-P planks come through.
Low-paid, beaten, coughing housewives,
Our wildest dreams come true.
Verse 6: Planks 2.2, 4.16, 5.12, 7.24, 13.37
Give the axe to Ag and Energy,
Education, The Fed, the Arts.
Who needs these busy bodies
when Holy are our hearts?
Refrain:
May God bless Iowa’s platform.
May each G-O-P plank come true.
We’re marching Christian soldiers.
See Matthew 3, Verse 2.
Verse 7: Planks 7.54, 9.1
Laws must mandate only English.
'tis a mistake to disobey.
All youse must use good ol’ English
Ain't nothing else to say.
Refrain:
God bless the G-O-P decrees.
Let that be our fervent wish.
All we need is the three E’s —
English, English, English.
Verse 8: Plank 6.03, 6.06, 6.07
Why would same-sex folks disparage
the most sacred rite of marriage?
And we'll make sure they can't adopt
or for civil unions opt!
Refrain: Principles 3 and 4
May God bless the party platform
and support our family vow.
We want our values as the norm.
Newt ‘n Rudy showed us how.
Verse 9: Planks 7.38, 7.58
All these judges are just awful -
them telling us what is lawful!
We embrace this simple tool:
Justice yields to mob rule.
Refrain: Principle 15
May God Bless Iowa’s platform.
May the G-O-P planks come through.
We’ll oust any Justice who’s to
the Constitution true.
Verse 10: Planks 14.10, 14.11
Let caucus wannabes take note,
praise these planks and get our vote.
Then welcome 'board our holy boat.
There's room enough for thee.
Refrain:
May God bless the party platform.
May God bless the party platform.
May God bless the party platform,
It's good enough for thee.
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Herb Strentz is an emeritus professor of journalism at Drake University in Des Moines and former executive secretary of the Iowa Freedom of Information Council. 
E-mail: herb.strentz@yahoo.com
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